In The Moment
by lalapine
Summary: Five years after her marriage to Lee, Amanda makes a choice that could cost her everything.


InTheMoment

Title: In The Moment  
Author: Tammy M. Parnell  
Email: LaLapine@aol.com  
Disclaimer: SMK & its characters belong to Warner Bros, Shoot the Moon Prods, KJ, BB, et al. No infringement is intended.  
  
Summary: Five years after her marriage to Lee, Amanda makes a choice that could cost her everything.  
  
  
In the Moment  
by Tammy M. Parnell  
  
She stared into the steam that had clouded the bathroom mirror, unclothed, with the hot water still running down the shower drain. Her hand wiped clear her reflection.   
  
She had never given much thought to her looks. When she was a little girl, school kids teased her, calling her or But as she grew up, her slender figure filled out into a beautiful woman. She had been told she was attractive, but her inner confidence was the result of good parenting and innate self-worth. She cared what others thought of her, of course--but it did not rule her life. She thought she had the confidence to do anything if she put her mind to it. Hell, she had gone from being an unobtrusive housewife to a competent federal agent. But she didn't know if she had the strength to do this.  
  
A knock at the bathroom door awakened her from her reflections, and she turned off the water.   
  
Hey, I need to leave early; Billy's got something for me to check out.  
  
She smiled at the sound of her husband's voice as she wrapped a towel around herself, opening the door.  
  
I'll be there in about an hour, she answered.  
  
Lee kissed her in the doorway. Love you.  
  
I love you, too. He smiled and turned away, grabbing a blazer from their closet before leaving the bedroom.  
  
She walked to the window and waited to see his silver sports car pull away from the curb, away from her. He knew something was wrong. But he wasn't going to pressure her into telling him. With five years of marriage preceded by a strong friendship and loyal partnership, each knew the other's moods. She could tell Lee wanted to ask what was troubling her, but he was giving her room. She didn't know whether to love him or hate him for it.  
  
Reluctantly she began to get dressed. At least work will distract me, she said aloud, feeling the emptiness of their two-story home. Her boys had already left for school, and with a pang, she realized that in another few months, Phillip would be graduating from high school. Her children had grown up so fast. It seemed another lifetime ago that she and her first husband had welcomed them into the world.   
  
She had wondered if she and Lee would have children of their own. Two years after their marriage, once her mother and boys knew of their nuptials, Amanda and Lee had discussed adding to their family. They had tried for over a year. It had caused a strain on their relationship, and they both decided to stop trying so hard; if it was meant to be, it would happen. Lee assured her he loved the boys as his own and it was okay if they didn't have a child together. Their relationship grew stronger after that, and life seemed good. Dotty had insisted at moving into a senior complex, where she was the life of the party. Amanda completed various levels of training at the Agency, and no one disputed her competence; even Francine no longer teased her for being a housewife and den mother.  
  
Absently, she placed a hand on her abdomen. She didn't know how to tell Lee--or how much. Amanda knew what she had to do. But at what price?  
  
Burying her worries for the moment, she put on her agent frame of mind and headed for the door.  
  
***  
  
Lee pulled into their driveway at 9pm. He felt bad about missing dinner, especially since Amanda had seemed so distant lately, but it couldn't be helped. What worried him was that she had sounded almost relieved when he'd called to tell her.  
  
It's your imagination, Stetson, he told himself, unlocking the front door.  
  
Hi Lee, Phillip greeted, throwing him a basketball. Wanna shoot some hoops?  
  
Oh, I don't know if I'm up to playing against Arlington High's MVP.  
  
Phillip grinned. Jamie looked up from his math homework. He's got a date anyway.  
  
On a school night? Lee was surprised Amanda would allow it.  
  
It's not a date, Phillip emphasized. Brooke and I have to rehearse.  
  
Jamie mumbled over his logarithms, The kiss scene.  
  
Phillip pounced on him, and Lee grinned at their rough-housing.  
  
Phillip cried as Jamie pinned himself on top. Jamie smiled victoriously as Phillip accused, Why did you have to give him wrestling lessons, Lee?  
  
Enough guys. Where's your mom?  
  
Jamie replied, untangling himself from his brother.  
  
Phillip looked at Lee hopefully as he stood. He didn't have to ask.  
  
Lee through him his car keys. Be back by 11.  
  
Thanks, Lee. You're the best.  
  
Jamie rolled his eyes. He's gonna wreck it one day.  
  
Lee winked at him, You'll have your permit next month, so we better hope he doesn't wreck it before you have a go at it.  
  
The boy smiled and went back to his homework. Lee went upstairs, hoping his wife would want to talk. Opening their bedroom door, he saw she was already in bed.  
  
he whispered. No response. And yet from the rapid rise and fall of her chest, he knew she was not asleep. We need to talk. He settled in next to her.  
  
I'm sorry, she said, opening her eyes. I'm just really tired today. Can it wait?  
  
He stroked her hair behind her ear. I'm worried about you. You've been tired a lot lately. He paused before adding, Unless it's just an excuse.  
  
She sat up, moving his hand away. Billy has had me running all over town this week. You know that, she said defensively.  
  
It's not just this week, honey, he broached, not wanting to have a fight. She stared off at some distant point on the wall. We haven't made love in nearly a month.  
  
She didn't know how to respond, so he continued, Did I do something to make you mad? I've gone over and over it in my head, and I can't think of--  
  
she interrupted, making eye contact. No, it's me. I just have had a lot on my mind.  
  
I can see that. And I've been hoping you would come to me, talk to me. I miss you.  
  
It's not that easy.  
  
He leaned forward and kissed her forehead, her nose, her lips. Whatever this is, he said, their lips nearly touching. I don't want it to come between us.  
  
It won't, her shaky voice replied.  
  
He stood up and walked over to the window. It already has. You know that.  
  
Well, maybe you need to go find a mistress.  
  
Lee looked sharply at her. That's not funny.  
  
She held his steady gaze, feeling guilty at her poor attempt at humor.  
  
He continued, This isn't just about sex. This is about us. This is about our marriage, our friendship, our life together.  
  
She looked away, pulling the sheets around her. Lee shook his head and sighed. He picked up the extra blanket from the foot of their bed and left the room.  
  
Jamie saw the blanket and the look on Lee's face and decided it was time for bed. He gathered up his books, said good night to his stepfather, and went to his room.  
  
Lee stared absently at the blank TV screen in front of him. He had never felt so isolated from Amanda. She meant everything to him, and he hated to see her going through a rough time without leaning on him for support. They didn't work that way. Each was the missing piece to the other's puzzle, and if that piece wasn't used, a hole appeared. That hole was becoming evident, much to Lee's dismay, but his worst fear was that it would spread. He could not go on much longer like this. He needed her--all of her.  
  
As if reading his mind, the familiar footsteps of his wife shuffled downstairs. She paused briefly, then sat close to him on the couch. Much better, Lee thought to himself. My Amanda is coming back to me.   
  
He pulled her against him, kissing the top of her head. I love you so much, he told her, rubbing his thumb along her cheek.  
  
She smiled and wrapped her arms tightly around him, burying her face in his neck. I love you, she echoed.  
  
They sat that way for quite some time before she pulled away. Let's go upstairs, she instructed, standing, and holding his hand.   
  
He stood, then leaned down to taste her lips. She kissed him back forcefully, then led him upstairs.  
  
It had been a month, she knew, and wondered when he would call her on it. She had been distancing herself from him, but that wasn't what she needed tonight. She needed to feel alive, she needed to feel him inside her, she needed to be as close as she could, to never let go--at least for one night. She would have to tell him tomorrow--but they needed this night together. They needed each other--and then she would tell him, at least part of it.  
  
***  
  
Amanda left work early the next day. Just a simple check-up, she'd told Lee as he kissed her goodbye.  
  
I'll be home on time, he promised.  
  
she smiled. I have something to tell you.  
  
Now the table was set, the boys were spending the night with friends, and Amanda was feeling guilty. A half truth is better than no truth at all, she reminded herself as her husband walked in.  
  
he smiled, handing her a colorful bouquet of wildflowers. Candles, music... what's the occasion?  
  
She shook her head. Not yet. I'll tell you after dinner.  
  
Can I have dessert first? he winked, pulling her into his arms. This felt good. She seemed back to her old self. Maybe she had just been in a funk and last night had awakened her from it.  
  
They kissed deeply until the oven timer interrupted. Lee groaned. Amanda laughed. Just sit down and enjoy.  
  
The suspense is killing me, he replied, his mouth watering for more than just the roasted chicken. Do you want me to help?  
  
They ate a romantic dinner, danced to their favorite CD, and everything felt perfect. It was time.  
  
Amanda led Lee over to the couch. I have some news.  
  
Lee sat next to her with a curious look.  
  
We tried for a long time, she began, a look of realization dawning on her husband's face. As she spoke, his features lit up, until he was nothing but twinkling eyes and shiny teeth. I didn't think it was possible, I thought I was just getting older, but... We're pregnant.  
  
Lee jumped up and grabbed her tightly, resisting his urge to dance around the room. Are you sure?  
  
She nodded, smiling at his reaction. She knew now that she was doing the right thing.  
  
When did you find out?  
  
At this, she paused, afraid to say. I don't want you to be mad, Lee. I just needed to be sure...  
  
It's okay, he replied, cupping her face. It was your little secret. I understand. It makes sense now why you seemed distant.  
  
I'm sorry about that, she replied, glad he didn't suspect that she wasn't sharing the whole truth.  
  
It's okay. It's wonderful. Have you told anyone else yet?  
  
No, I wanted you to be the first to know.  
  
I love you.  
  
She kissed him passionately in response, and they made love in the middle of the living room rug.  
  
***  
  
I just want you to be aware of the dangers, Amanda, her doctor told her a few weeks later as she finished getting dressed from her examination.  
  
I know, Dr. Meadows, and I appreciate that. But I've made my decision.  
  
I can't say I would choose differently, the gray-haired woman replied. But before long you won't be able to change your mind.  
  
We want this baby. We need this baby, Amanda affirmed.  
  
You made this decision yourself? the doctor guessed. You're not going to tell Lee until after the baby is born?  
  
Amanda nodded. You should have seen how happy he was. How can I ask him to choose?  
  
The doctor sighed. Just think about it some more, okay? As your physician, you know what I recommend. But as a mother, I know where you're coming from.  
  
Then that's it, Amanda replied, putting on her coat. I'll see you next month.  
  
Dr. Meadows smiled and shook her patient's hand, making a mental note to include Amanda in her prayers.  
  
***  
  
She was showing now. Friends and family were thrilled at her news, and Dotty's former bedroom--turned office--was now being redecorated as a nursery. The boys were excited at the prospect of a little sister, and as Lee helped assemble the crib, he hummed Daddy's Little Girl.  
  
Amanda was glowing--at least on the outside. Inside she pushed her worries deep down. Lee knew she was nervous at being an older mom, but It's the 90s he assured her, trying to ease her mind at possible complications. If only he knew. But he couldn't--not yet.  
  
She had been feeling tired lately, more so than usual. Dr. Meadows prescribed prenatal vitamins and a strict diet to follow. Her pregnancy was well-monitored, and all looked well. But they couldn't know for sure, not until after the baby was born.  
  
Dotty called from downstairs, Sweetheart, I'll be back in a couple hours. There's a handsome gentleman at the complex who is expecting my company for lunch.  
  
Have fun, Mother, Amanda replied. Don't rush on my account. We have a few months to go.  
  
That was so cool! she heard Jamie come in as his grandmother left. Hey, Grandma, Lee let me drive the   
  
Dotty teased, When do I get to drive?  
  
Lee looked somewhat worried, thinking of her many fender-benders, until she laughed. He grinned in return, See you later.  
  
Take care of my daughter.  
  
Count on it.  
  
Amanda joined them downstairs. Carlos called.  
  
Jamie replied, running upstairs to use the phone to brag about his driving lesson.  
  
I can't believe you let the boys drive your car.  
  
Well, I've learned there are a lot more important things than cars, he replied, kissing her cheek. The past few months had been wonderful, and he was grateful to have put their rough spot behind them. He felt closer to Amanda than he had in a long time. He rested his hand on her belly. How are we today?  
  
She's good. Dr. Meadows says she's very healthy.  
  
Atta girl, he smiled. And you?  
  
I'm fine, she answered too quickly.  
  
Honey, stop worrying, Lee assured. Everything's going to be fine. He wanted to find out exactly what was at the core of her nervousness, but she had an impeccable way of changing the subject.  
  
She managed a small smile. I know. Little Jenny is very healthy.   
  
They hadn't discussed names. After my mom? he questioned, looking briefly like a little boy who had been given an incredible gift.  
  
Of course, Amanda confirmed. From what you've told me, she was a wonderful person. We would be lucky if our daughter turns out like her.  
  
Lee pulled her into a tight embrace. Thank you, he whispered, his breath warm against her ear. Lee knew his mother would live on in the granddaughter she would never be able to meet.  
  
she replied, kissing his forehead. Thank you.  
  
***  
  
Amanda's due date was only a week away. Her family fluttered around her like mother hens, and she shooed them away. I've done this twice before, she reminded them. So it was rare that Saturday afternoon that she found herself alone. Dotty was off flying with her unofficial boyfriend, Kirk. Phillip was at the local JC buying books for the approaching fall semester. Jamie was camping with some friends. Lee was called in to the Agency against his wishes to do some paperwork--something Amanda was normally glad to do but had started maternity leave the week before at her doctor's insistence.  
  
As soon as you deliver, Amanda, I want some x-rays taken, Dr. Meadows lectured.  
  
I know, Amanda replied. We will. Just give me some time with my family first. I don't want to tell them until we know for sure.  
  
It would help you so much to have emotional support right now.  
  
Why should I worry everyone else? It's better this way. This is the only natural child Lee will ever have; let him enjoy this.  
  
But how will he feel knowing you didn't tell him?  
  
Amanda couldn't answer that, still couldn't as she sat staring through the kitchen window. Summer was drawing to a close. Leaves were already beginning to litter the sidewalks. The heat of the previous months had been hard on her with Jenny's extra weight. She felt herself getting weaker as the days wore on. She was falling, like the leaves, slowly through the summer breeze. Would she land gently on the grass? Or would she be carried far away and crunched beneath the weight of uncertainty?  
  
Don't hate me for this, Lee, she whispered aloud. In her heart, she had never doubted her choice. She was a mother, and it was up to her to protect her children. Their welfare came first. The delight in Lee's eyes had never left from the moment she told him of their pregnancy. She was not going to rob him of that. He deserved to enjoy every moment while he could. Once Jenny was delivered--well, maybe everything would be okay.  
  
She wrapped her arms tightly around her chest, feeling a sudden chill, wondering if she would be able to nurse her baby girl.  
  
***  
  
the maternity nurse instructed.  
  
Lee reminded.  
  
We're almost there, Dr. Meadows assured.  
  
The baby's head was crowning. Amanda crushed Lee's hand with her own as she gritted her teeth. Then it was over. The nurses were beaming. Soon, a cry echoed through the room as Jenny learned how to use her lungs. For a moment, Amanda forgot; for a moment, all was perfect in the world.  
  
Dr. Meadows placed Jenny in her mother's arms. Lee leaned in close, afraid to touch his newborn daughter. Did he really help create such an incredible little person? Uncharacteristic tears threatened to fill his incredulous eyes.  
  
Amanda smiled up at him. Say hi to Daddy, she cooed.  
  
Lee counted her ten perfect fingers and ten perfect toes. She's beautiful, was all he could utter, too choked up for words.  
  
Dr. Meadows ushered the nurses out, deciding to grant Amanda her wish. Soon, Dotty, Phillip, and Jamie entered, grins plastered on their faces. An orderly reentered to take some pictures, at Dotty's insistence, then left. Amanda took it all in--the sights, the smells, the love. She was living in the moment, praying for a miracle. Time was her enemy, and she feared she had pushed it too far.  
  
***  
  
Lee awoke one week later, alone in bed. It was 2am, and he expected to find Amanda in the nursery with Jenny. But the baby was sound asleep. Puzzled, he went downstairs. Amanda was huddled on the couch, her body shaking.  
  
he approached. Sweetheart, what's wrong?  
  
She merely shook her head, wrapping her arms more tightly around herself. She was crying, and Lee ached for her.  
  
He took the quilt from a nearby chair and wrapped it around her. It's okay, he said tenderly. Everything's going to be okay. He had heard about postpartum depression and wondered if this was what Amanda was experiencing.  
  
Hey, maybe we need to get away for a few days. Dotty would love to watch the kids.  
  
she looked up with tear-stained cheeks. I don't want to leave my family.  
  
Lee was at a loss. I can't help you if I don't know what's wrong.  
  
There's nothing you can do.  
  
Why not?  
  
I should have told you. It wasn't fair that you didn't know.  
  
A knot formed firmly in his stomach. Amanda was not apt to flying off the handle; she did not break down sobbing for no reason. Something was very wrong. Is it Jenny?  
  
she answered quickly. Thank God, no. She's unbelievably healthy.  
  
Fear began to envelop him. he whispered.  
  
She nodded. I'm so sorry. I should have told you. But I couldn't. You needed to be happy.  
  
Tell me, he insisted, reaching for her hands.  
  
She clasped his hands tightly, forcing her watery eyes to meet his worried gaze. Lee... I love you so much.  
  
Tell me, he repeated forcefully, the apprehension too much to bear.  
  
I have breast cancer, she answered quietly.  
  
It was a verbal slap in the face. Lee was stunned. The room was deathly still as the words sunk in.  
  
She continued. I was just having my annual physical when I found out about Jenny. But at the same time... The mammogram came back positive. There was a spot in my left breast. I couldn't feel it then. I can now. I had to delay treatment. I couldn't do anything to jeopardize our baby. I'm waiting for some x-rays.   
  
Lee couldn't speak. He simply pulled her close and held on tight. I can't lose you, he thought. I won't lose you.  
  
***  
  
It all made sense now, Lee reasoned as he nervously paced the waiting room. He was so excited over the prospect of his baby daughter that he had ignored his gut feelings. As an agent, how could he have allowed himself to do that? He'd known there was something more than Amanda was telling him. Why had it been so easy to pretend nothing was wrong? I was afraid, he admitted to himself. Of course, he hadn't been through a pregnancy before. He had figured Amanda's odd behavior came from hormone levels. I should have asked more questions, I should have spoken to her doctor, I should have read more about the mother not just the baby... There were many should-haves, could-haves, and would-haves, but none of that mattered. He had done nothing to support his wife when she'd needed him most. It was his fault she had suffered alone for so long.  
  
Dotty's worried eyes looked at her son-in-law. She felt as though she was living in a nightmare. Children were not supposed to die before their parents. It wasn't natural. It wasn't fair. No, she corrected herself. Amanda is not dying. She is a fighter. She will survive this. But she needed to hear it from someone else.  
  
Lee hugged Dotty and murmurred words of encouragement. He was the family's rock. He was the glue that was keeping them from falling apart. But he didn't know how much longer he could look at his stepsons' fearful faces and tell them that everything would be okay. No one could know at this stage. All they could do was pray.  
  
Lee thought back to the death of his parents. He had been so young he could barely remember them. Phillip and Jamie were old enough to hold sacred memories of their mother. They were also old enough to harbor the pain and resentment that came from seeing someone they love fade away. Lee glanced over at his youngest stepson, pretending to read a magazine in a nearby chair.  
  
Jamie was Amanda's baby. Jenny's birth had pushed him to middle-child status. He loved his little sister, and his mother made sure to spend extra time with him, knowing he might have trouble adjusting. But a month of hospital trips had instilled in him a mortal fear. His mother was going to die--she was going to leave him. How dare she? He knew it wasn't rational. He knew his mother loved him and would do everything in her power to stay with them. But his actions seemed to have a mind of their own; he found himself talking back to her, refusing to do asked chores, and letting his grades slip at school. He was withdrawing from her, as if that might lessen the pain of losing her.  
  
Phillip, on the other hand, had become much more responsible than his former self. He offered to babysit, drive Amanda to doctor's appointments if Lee was unavailable, and do unasked chores around the house. Anything to feel useful. He was the oldest and realized it was time to grow up. His family was counting on him.  
  
Amanda appeared from down the corridor, and Lee and Dotty rushed to greet her. Jamie hung back, following like a lost puppy; Phillip and Jenny were at the house, and he would just as soon have stayed home, save for the look Lee had given him at this suggestion.  
  
How was it? Dotty asked cautiously.  
  
I'm a little nauseous, she downplayed, knowing it would only get worse as the day wore on.  
  
Let's go home then, Lee said gently, putting an arm around her, wishing he could trade places with her and take away her pain.  
  
Once she was settled in bed--a place she felt she spent far too much time in lately--a face peeked into the room.  
  
she smiled. What are you up to?  
  
Jamie replied, unsure why he had come in.  
  
Amanda patted the spot next to her. Jamie slowly walked to the bed but didn't sit.  
  
I know you're scared, sweetheart, Amanda began, remembering how difficult it had been to tell her children of her diagnosis. So am I. So is Phillip, and Lee, and your grandma. But we are a family. And we will get through this, no matter what happens.  
  
Jamie nodded. You never get to go to my games anymore.  
  
Lee's been videotaping them for me; you know that.  
  
It's not the same.  
  
I love you, Jamie. And I will do everything I can to get well so things can get back to normal around here. Okay?  
  
  
  
Can I have a hug? He walked to her side and gave her a slight hug, then left the room. Amanda sighed. He'll be okay, she assured herself. Lee will take care of him. No, she corrected, I will take care of him. But the nausea coursing through her raised doubts in her clouded mind.  
  
***  
  
The Coneheads was how Phillip fondly referred to his family. They were quite a sight--his parents, brother, himself, and baby sister. They certainly got quite a lot of attention when they went anywhere as a group. It would have been funny if it wasn't so damn sad.  
  
Surprisingly, it was Jamie's idea. I read about it in some sports magazine. One of the player's kids got cancer and his hair fell out from the chemo. So all of the players on the team shaved their heads.  
  
It was agreed, and Amanda was overwhelmed at their sacrifice. She wanted to forbid them from doing something so foolish, but she understood--it was something they could *do* to not feel so helpless. So Lee and the boys joined Amanda who decided to shave her head before the chemo could claim it. Jenny's baldness came naturally.  
  
Christmas found her too weak to come downstairs on her own. Lee stoically carried her to the couch, where the tree was lit up and buried in presents. Phillip took pictures as everyone tried to be merry. It was Jenny's first Christmas, and she was dressed like an angel, delighted more with the bows and tinsel than any of her many new toys.   
  
For the first time in years, Dotty had prepared the Christmas feast. Amanda's stomach was turning, but she managed to get down some of the meal and smile through her pain. Her cheeks were hollow, and she had lost a lot of weight. Dark circles outlined her eyes, and a bandana covered tuffs of hair that were growing back. She had put her foot down at her men reshaving their heads, and all had grown back full heads of soft blondish hair.  
  
She fell asleep on the couch well before sunset. The boys had been watching their mother closely all day.   
  
I'm worried, Jamie confided in his brother.  
  
Me too, Phillip responded. But it's not the cancer that's making her this sick; it's the treatment.  
  
It's not fair!  
  
I know. But we just have to keep hoping.  
  
Jamie paused, What if this is it, Phillip? What if this is our last Christmas with Mom?  
  
The knot grew deeper in Phillip's stomach. The thought had been running through his head all day. He gave his brother an uncharacteristic hug. He had no other answer. Dotty saw this exchange, and it brought tears to her eyes. She busied herself in cleaning up, trying not to think of the unthinkable.  
  
Lee gently carried Amanda back upstairs. Their bedroom had become the sick room, and he made a mental note that when she got well, they would look for their own home--not a hand-me-down from a previous marriage. They had always talked of moving, but it was always a part of their future. There were a lot of things they wanted for their future, a lot of things the cancer threatened to tear from them.  
  
Lee stretched himself out on his side next to his wife and gently put an arm around her waist. She seemed to be wasting away, and it scared the hell out of him. He understood why she had kept this disease a secret while Jenny was in her womb. The doctors had suggested abortion--an early regimen of chemotherapy and radiation was advised. But she had refused. Lee understood--he would have supported her decision--any decision she had made. He berated himself for not realizing that something was wrong. He hated that she had gone through it alone. But he was here now, and he would not leave her side. He vowed that he would love her in sickness and in health--of this he reminded her the morning of her mastectomy. She had been afraid of the operation, but she also was afraid of losing her identity. The cancer was turning her body against her, but he would not abandon her. He loved her body and soul, no matter what happened. But the chemo and radiation had taken their toll. He felt he was losing her. His world was falling apart.  
  
It was hard for him to be the strong one. And only now, in the emptiness of their bedroom, on that bittersweet Christmas day, did he allow himself to shed some tears.  
  
***  
  
Daddy, look at me! Lee gave a thumbs up to his 9-year-old daughter as she cantered like a pro on her pony around the arena at their Rockville ranch. He was always amazed to see her flowing brown hair, slender frame, and chocolate-colored eyes. She was growing up to be an exact replica of her mother.  
  
He thought back to nine years ago, the day Dr. Meadows placed Jenny in Amanda's arms. It had been one of the happiest days of his life. Amanda had given him that gift; he felt only joy that memorable day, not the bittersweet reality of the long journey ahead. The rest of that year and the next were lived day by day, moment by moment. Joy was overshadowed by uncertainty. Life was a precious gift they clung to. Good days were crammed full of activities to remember; bad days were attempted to be forgotten with little success.  
  
It amazed him how time flew by so quickly. Life was marked by moments of seeming insignificance: his parents kissing him good night for the last time; his enlisting the help of a complete stranger at a train station; a terrorist kidnapping his partner and him; a random night of passion; cells replicating out of control.  
  
Boots crunched through the mud behind him, and he smiled.  
  
I knew you'd be out here, a wonderfully familiar voice commented.  
  
She was dying to ride the pony, he excused.  
  
She has plenty of time for that. Her friends want her to open her birthday presents now. Phillip and Jamie are having trouble keeping them away from the cake.  
  
Just one more minute. I want to remember this moment.  
  
Amanda relented and wrapped her arm around his side. They watched their daughter fly smoothly on her pony's back, horse and rider in complete unison. They were free, floating on air, a part of each other, a small moment in time that would replay forever in her parents' hearts.  
  
Amanda sighed. What I would have missed.  
  
Lee turned to his wife, cupping her face. What I would have missed, he corrected, leaning down to kiss her.  
  
Jenny was focused on her riding, but spotted her parents out of the corner of her eye. Today was not only her birthday, she knew, but also a special day for Mom and Dad. Seven years cancer-free, she had heard Grandma say. She didn't quite understand it, but she knew her mom had been very sick. She did not remember this time that her family talked about with such sadness in their voices, the house in the suburbs with two-stories. But she knew that it was over. This ranch was the only home she ever knew; her mother healthy and smiling was the only mom she ever knew. She was glad.  
  
Jenny slowed down her pony next to her parents. Don't you ever stop doing that?  
  
Lee and Amanda ended their long kiss, laughing. Come on, sweetie, Amanda instructed. Jenny made a face at her dad as she climbed off the horse. They were close as could be, but as Lee reached to swing her over the fence and carry her on his shoulders, she shook her head.   
  
I want Mom, she insisted. Amanda smiled and placed Jenny on her shoulders. Lee wrapped his arm around Amanda's waist, and the little family walked back to their house to open birthday presents, eat cake, and enjoy every moment together.  
  
  
THE END  
  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTE:   
  
I just wanted to clarify that I didn't choose breast cancer because Kate Jackson had it; in fact, the similarity didn't even cross my mind until I was well into the story. A very dear friend recently passed away after a long struggle with breast cancer--and various complications (i.e. flesh-eating bacteria) that forced her to delay cancer treatment and possibly cause the cancer's return and her untimely death. Jamie's reaction to his mom's illness parallels the reaction of my friend's son, a boy I am still close to, as I used to be his babysitter. And her husband was a rock for her and their family throughout all of it.   
  
Remember ladies--early detection, though not a guarantee--is THE KEY to surviving this all-too-common disease.


End file.
